Hugs, not Pugs

I miss hugs like you wouldn’t believe. They are not part of the culture here; hence, I have been quite hugless recently. We “faire les bises” each time we greet anyone, but no quantity of air kisses will ever suffice for a good old-fashioned hug. A couple of nights ago, I reached the height of my desperation. I tried to hug pillows. But to no avail. Two made for an unrealistically small hug, and a third pillow created an excessively large hug. I settled with hugging two and a half pillows. Then I realized that I was in my bed hugging pillows. Pillows, I now realize after performing my deranged experiment, do not reciprocate. This realization could be interpreted by some as the actual height of my desperation. I would say that this is the moment when I lost faith in humanity, but it would be more accurate to say that this is the moment when I lost faith in bolstered cushions. Nevertheless, hugs are not French in the least. Please take the French language as an example. There is no word for “a hug.” I kid you not. To “embrasse” someone is to kiss, not to embrace. They have a phrase which translates to “to hold/squeeze someone in your arms,” but that does not contain the essence of the English word at all. The “hold/squeeze” part sounds either creepily intimate or creepily violent. Either way, the French do not understand the love language of (platonic) physical touch (there is plenty of touching and many public displays of affection, mind you). To continue my analysis of semantics, I must mention that petting dogs is an odd occurrence, as well. If you ask someone to “pet” their dog, you must demand, in French, to “caresse” their domesticated canine. This is both highly laughable and, again, highly creepy. In sum, I must say that it is best not to discuss physical touch in French. You will probably come off as a pedophile or some other mentally-warped pervert. I think I will ask some of my American friends for hugs tonight. There will be less confusion than there would be in asking someone French. And I won’t be accidentally “embrassed” or “caressed” in the process.